Tag Archives: city hall

Pokémon Players Can’t Find Elusive Comms Strategy At City Hall

Pokémon Players Can't Find Elusive Communications Plan At City Hall - Sarnia

Pokémon Go was released to Canadians a few days ago, but Sarnia players have yet to locate a fabled communication strategy at City Hall.

“There are rumours that there’s supposed to be a plan around here for disseminating information between city departments and the public in a clear, complete and accessible manner,” said 18-year-old Kieran Clarke.

“…but all I kept finding were a lot of Pidgey and motions from council.”

Kieran’s 14-year-old sister, Sarah, says she’s confident they will find it eventually.

“I see rustling in the bushes on the app, and I see something on my tracking that must be a some kind of reasonable communication strategy… maybe we just need to use more lures or get more elected officials helping us.”

Kieran said “If all else fails, I guess we can keep catching council motions until we have enough to evolve them into a communication strategy in a few years – by then we’ll have enough experience to start taking things over for ourselves anyway.”

Judge Rules In Favour Of Throwing Homeless In River

Judge Rules In Favour Of Throwing Local Homeless In The River

Local advocates for the less fortunate may soon find themselves collecting life jackets.

In a decision made public last week, Superior Court Justice Thomas Carey ruled in favour of the City of Sarnia’s request to gather up all individuals experiencing homelessness in the area and throw them in the St. Clair river.

“It is clear to me that the citizens of Sarnia did good by allowing these homeless people to stay on land for so long, but rules are rules and it does convene a municipal bylaw,” Carey stated.

A group of local advocates  had been petitioning city council to allow the homeless individuals to continue to live on solid ground, offering their own property, churches and apartments as a place for them to stay. City council voted against them, citing the “out-of-sight, out-of-mind” bylaw that requires lower-class and homeless people to remain hidden from residential neighbourhoods and a petition from an individual who received 250 signatures from local citizens after convincing them that “these people will come for your kids!”

Advocates maintain that civil and human rights of both the homeless and those trying to help them are being violated, but Justice Carey disagrees.

“It is not my opinion that anyone’s rights were violated, but then again, I didn’t actually read the argument presented by the group, that was a lot of pages to read in just a few months.”

Coun. Terry Burrell applauded the decision. “They’ve had their fun, now let’s take care of this problem,” he said.

In Carey’s statement, it was also suggested that the homeless are not thrown into the river before all ice has melted as it could make it easier for them to climb out of the river, and that they should learn how to not rely on others.



Burrell Wants More Fluoride, Cold Medicine

Coun. Terry Burrell

While several Sarnia council members and citizens agree on a more cautious attitude toward the controversial fluoridation of public drinking water, one councillor is pushing back.

Coun. Terry Burrell says he is not only against the removal of fluoride, but wants to add more to our water supply.

“Forget all of this, we need more fluoride,” said Burrell. “Fluoride and cold medicine.”

Burrell went on to explain that he wishes to see the amount of fluoride in public water increased by five hundred percent. He also wishes to see over-the-counter cold medicine added to local water in bulk.

“Who cares what studies or science you’ve found, you’re all a bunch of amateur sleuths,” Burrell shouted at numerous times throughout the last night’s city council meeting.

“The lady at the Wal-Mart pharmacy told me this is stuff is just great, and so did all the other pharmacies in town,” said Burrell. “If you can get all these organizations to come forward and say it should be out of there, then fine I’ll listen.”

Burrell was visibly upset for the entire duration of last night’s council meeting and according to some, muttered obscene language and obscure threats involving calculators and finger injuries when council voted 5-4 against the continued fluoridation. Sarnia’s vote isn’t enough to remove fluoride from the Lambton Area Water Supply System (LAWSS) but this pleases Coun. Burrell greatly.

“Safe Lunch” Location Discovered in Centennial Park

Picnic spot at Sarnia's Centennial Park

A possible prime picnicking location In the midst of a popular, “toxin-enriched” park at Sarnia’s waterfront has been discovered.

Sarnia City Manager and renowned MS Paint expert Lloyd Fennell has always been a fan of the idea of eating lunch near the waterfront, but says he’s long lamented the lack of a safe and suitable location to do so.

“I’ve wanted to sit on the grass and eat my lunch at Centennial Park for years,” Fennell said. “It’s been frustrating though. Every time I bring in consultants to investigate a new possible picnic spot, they tell me I shouldn’t eat my lunch there and that I should probably see a doctor.”

Fennell claimed he was ready to give up on his dream when he had a change in luck.

“I was exasperated. I leaned up against a tree while I contemplated the many years spent looking for a picnic spot that wasn’t deeply hazardous to my health,” he said. “It suddenly occurred to me that this very small spot underneath the tree had not yet been tested and it’s looking like it might just be the spot I’ve been looking for.”

Consultants had advised Fennell that while he should wait for more conclusive results, the best course of action may be to roll out a small blanket and enjoy a submarine sandwich.

The cost of the project is currently unknown and council was not available for comment.

Mayor Bradley’s Sweater Shipment Resumes


After facing council-imposed delays earlier in the year, an order for a large shipment of 300 men’s red turtleneck shirts has been placed on behalf of Sarnia’s Mayor Mike Bradley.

Bradley originally called for a purchase of the long-sleeved shirts in January, citing what he feared would be a prolonged winter and what he described as “a need to remain warm and stylish in a cold 1989”. City council disregarded concerns that the mayor didn’t appear to be aware of the present year but called for an emergency discussion regarding the expenditure on January 15th.

“I like the colour”, stated Coun. Anne Marie Gillis. “We simply cannot afford to buy 300 sweaters for the mayor right now though. Perhaps we could manage a couple hundred of them.”

Others were less impressed.

“Shirts? Who needs shirts? Nobody deserves shirts…”  Coun. Terry Burrell said.
“The city doesn’t have the funds for such unnecessary luxuries and I’m surprised the mayor would even wear a shirt during a time like this.”

Council had successfully voted on a motion to delay the purchase of the turtlenecks at the time. However, after the winter temperatures far months turned out to be prolonged as Bradley had been concerned about, council turned it around this week and permitted the immediate order of shirts.

Bradley seemed content with the decision.
“I was disappointed it took so long, but I am pleased that council has realized the importance of remaining warm while looking good.”